“In June Afghanistan surpassed Vietnam to become, by some measures, the longest campaign in American history.” – The Economist, 6/24/10
The gang from Jersey Shore sit, relaxing and enjoying their living room, designed by Billy Joel for Kohls™.
MIKE: (taking off red framed reading glasses) Uh oh, gang. Looks like we got ourselves “A Situation.”™
PAULY D: What happened? That girl you had over couldn’t find parking for her MacLaren?
ALL: Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
MIKE: Seriously guidos and guidettes. The Economist says that the war in Afghanistan is now the longest war in American history.
JWOW: This really is a situation™.
(JWOW hands Mike five dollars as MIKE makes the “cha-ching” noise)
SNOOKIE: Afghanistan? But I thought after we found the nuclear weapons and caught Hitler living with Confederates in that Korean spider hole, things was all “Mission Accomplished?”
MIKE: Apparently not, Snooki.
(MIKE punches Snooki. They laugh, then French kiss)
RONNIE: (banging head against wall) We can’t sit around doing nothing. We may be Italian-Americans, but we’re Americans first! Damn! I wish I had that Iron Man suit. With that and my new, uh, supplements, I’d have them calling that place “Ronniestan!”
(RONNIE turns and jumps out of the window. As he falls, he yells, “I don’t want to fight you, bro!”)
MIKE: Force alone ain’t enough, Italian Stallions. This “situation”™ (handing five dollars to himself) requires a delicate balance of force and sophisticated diplomacy. Like doing the fist pump, but in a tuxedo.
ALL: Yeahhhhhh.
PAULY D: Maybe I could get my ma to send the Taliban a couple trays of her baked ziti and sausage. That always knocks out my Uncles Sal and Sal.
MIKE: Which reminds me. Thursday, we doing Surf and Turf!
ALL: (chanting) Surf and Turf! Surf and Turf! Surf and Turf!
JWOW: Maybe Snooki and I could infiltrate Al-Quida. ‘Course, we’d have to take a week off from tannin’.
(They all laugh.)
ALL: LOL! LOL! LOL!
SNOOKI: I got a suggestion. (pays Mike five dollars, as he has also trademarked the names “The Suggestion” “Senor Predicament” and “Rabbi Joseph Dreamcoat.”) We could find out where the local library is, read up on the region’s tumultuous history, and maybe, just maybe, see if we can come up with some helpful ideas to aid our president in this challenging time.
(silence)
SNOOKI: Or we could do shots off of my back tattoo?!
ALL: Shots! Shots! Shots!
DRAMATIC VOICE OVER: Will the gang be able to solve the riddle of Afghanistan in time for the 2012 elections? Is Ronnie okay? Did Snooki’s hair poof just sneeze? Find out next time on The Jersey Shore!
Matt Roberson | Contributor
Matt Roberson is a writer and works in the theatres of New York. His work has appeared on McSweeney’s, and he is a frequent contributor to Nytheatre.com. He is currently writing a history of the 1983 production The Gospel at Colonus.
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