I am bisexual. I love women just as much as I love men. And in some cases, I love women even more. But being bisexual creates a complication in my head that almost frightens me.

I am not a “get-drunk-kiss-your-girlfriends-and-giggle” kind of bisexual. I have had one significant live-in relationship with a woman, and many other women as sexual partners. But for the past 5 or so years, I have strictly been with men, and that is how I thought it was going to remain.

Recently though, I was introduced to a new lesbian bar by some dear girlfriends, and I must have fallen in love a thousand times that night. But there was one girl with whom there was an instant chemistry. She commanded my attention from the other side of the room, held it, and before I knew it, we were dancing and kissing intensely in the middle of a sea of beautiful women . She was everything I am attracted to – androgynous, with incredible style and a smile that stole my heart. She was definitely my type when it comes to women. I left the bar that night and went home to a male, ahem, “booty call.” And it was horrible. The sex that I once had with this man was NOTHING compared to how I felt while making out with my new lady friend. Confusion reigned before finally falling asleep. And surely, who did I think of first thing when I awoke the next morning? Her. What did I think about all day? Her. Then I get a random text from this other guy who I had been actively pursuing for a solid month now, and suddenly the world falls onto its head again while longing over what must certainly be the easiest-answered question to most: “Do I like boys…or do I like girls?”

There are the social stigmas, the worrisome opinions and judgments of friends; having to keep it a secret from my family because even if I end up truly falling in love with this woman, they have NO idea that I’ve even kissed a girl before, let alone lived with one romantically. So on rages this inner battle of what is socially and morally acceptable, and what is wrong. And in the meantime, attempting to keep the inner tumultuousness to myself has become insurmountably difficult.

This has been something that I haven’t shared over a beer with just anyone. I am not usually the type who cares much about what the world thinks of me, but when it comes down to such a serious issue as my sexuality, I can’t help but wonder… should I take all the complication out of this and just date men? To me, that’s not exactly the easy way out, because I will never stop fantasizing about women and wondering what it would be like to wake up to a certain beautiful femininity every morning; knowing that she knows exactly what I want and what I need, not to mention the priceless, innate ability between two females to communicate.

I’m not going to lie – when I have sex with a woman, it is sheet-shredding insanity. I have never had orgasms with men like I’ve had with women. They’re not even comparable. But then there’s the whole girly craziness. Sometimes I feel like I need testosterone to balance out the insanely above-average amount of estrogen I happen to harbor within. And when two women are together for an extended period of time, your cycles start to change, and shit can get intense. Quite honestly, in my own personal experience, lesbians do not really dig on bi-girls. They feel like we’re not true to who we are, and in their own prejudice might think it’s necessary to choose a team, not waiver as your feelings evolve and change between the proverbial banana and the pear. Feelings can suddenly falter from one man to another, and that is acceptable – but if you decide that one day after all these years you just might want to see what could come out of being with a woman again and it’s looked upon as a cardinal sin.

Especially now that I am immersed in this new (and quite frankly foreign) homosexual scene, I am more attracted to women than I ever have been in my entire life. It is almost frightening to think that I cannot consciously make the decision NOT to be attracted to girls. My thoughts are consumed with women. Will this girl that I am interested in shun me because I’m not “technically” out of the closet? Will I be comfortable in public sharing my life with a woman? It is just so much easier to be straight. There’s simply no doubt about it. Especially in my family -  as a woman you grow up, go to school, and then you’re supposed to find the hetero love of your life, get married and have babies. God forbid you stray off the beaten path and travel around the country on whims, have various sexual escapades with various partners of both sexes and don’t even attempt to go to school until your late 20s when you announce that you’re going to ART school of all things. I have never been one to be “normal” or necessarily do things in the way that everyone else expects me to. It’s just not who I am. Yet at the core of my being as I soak up my early thirties, I am experienced, full of love, creative and independent. And I suppose I just need to take all of those experiences, and ultimately realize that it’s okay to straddle the societal line of romantic interludes. Because no matter who I fall in love with, whether it is a man or a woman, there is a gut feeling rumbling about that he or she could be my perfect ending to this totally imperfect life.

Since the inception of this editorial, things have been come even more convoluted. The mysterious “bar girl” is moving. Out of the picture she flies. So what feelings does this invoke? I almost immediately thought about calling one of my guy “friends.” But then, just as fate likes to twist and turn her gnarled fingers around my soul, another absolutely stunning woman falls into my lap. We have gone out. We don’t stop texting all day. We have seen each other every night since that first invitation I extended, a mere 4 days ago. And all bets aside, I have fallen for this chick. Not only is she everything I have ever desired in a man – ambitious, educated, creative-  she has the most beautiful face, the body of a photographers dream, and I find myself craving her soft skin at all hours of the day and night. All other confusion and societal implication stripped away, I can easily imagine spending my life with this person. A woman who I can wake up to every morning, feeling a connection I know I could never have with a man. But then again (maybe not at this exact point in time but most certainly in the past) I can see myself in the perfect, white picket fence scenario – married to a man, having children, growing old together and watching our kids have kids of their own.

Is there a right answer? Perhaps not. I shall do what I have done all my life – just roll with it, and whatever happens, happens. Then I’ll deal with my heart accordingly.

Charlotte "Charlie" Portman | Contributor

Charlie Portman is a visual artist residing in Denver, Colorado. Charlie's work consists of fine-art photography and graphic design, but she recently made the foray into editorial writing. Charlie has a degree in multimedia design and is currently involved in several mixed-media projects. She has won several awards for her work and is published in the College Photography Annual.

Read more by Charlotte on RootSpeak