RootSpeak | To The Internet Troll

To The Internet Troll

Jowita Bydlowska

Published on November 11th, 2010 at 7:50 am by Jowita Bydlowska ; Filed under Read, Daily Culture

I think the first time we’ve “met” it was on my old blog. It was almost three years ago. The impact of that first comment was like a stranger running into my apartment, punching me in the face and immediately running out. I staggered a bit for the rest of the day as my friends explained that you were just a Trollus Ordinarius, that there were hordes of you out there and that your sole online existence depends on the reaction of your hosts. You couldn’t see me staggering around that first day, wondering about things that you wrote, but being a perfect example of your species, you must’ve known that your comments upset me. You’ve packed your shitbomb with just enough personal detail to make me wonder if you were for real.

You waited for a bit before striking again, throwing another bomb in my direction. Thankfully, this time your message sounded familiar so I wasn’t as upset as the first time but I still spent some time wondering about people around me, trying to figure out if someone was playing a stupid prank on me, trying to stir shit.

Stirring shit – that is your aim. That’s what you trolls do. From the secret farter on the streetcar, the old-fashioned prank caller, to the countless morons anonymously insulting everyone and their dog online, an online stalker like you is an evolutionary rung on the special ladder. It’s the ladder made out of little persons who hate everything but most of all, hate owning up to their own delusions.

It’s not your fault, really. It’s anonymity itself that turns people into trolls. In the famous Stanley Milgram experiment, many of the subjects continued to deliver what they thought were very harmful electric shocks to people after being assured that they would not be held responsible. Internet is the great doomspace of responsibility! Anybody can be anybody. How are you — with all of this anonymous web all around — supposed to own up to your anger, my little troll? No one can see you. There’s no Internet police, nobody can throw you in to Internet jail. For what? Having a little fun? So you’ve opened and closed blogs, faked email addresses, opened and closed other accounts – only to send me wacky messages. And little fun we’ve had.

I commend you for your determination although I figured that eventually you’ll get bored.

No such luck, not you. You’ve gone far and beyond, my troll. You’re one of the longest, most faithful relationships I’ve ever had. Listen, I have had lovers who swore I was the one for them – the only one – and yet, none of them were half as devoted as you are.

You’ve followed me to my second blog, and my third. You’ve sent me emails and you’ve commented on articles and photos I’ve published. You’ve left some clues and at one point we’ve even had a bit of an email exchange when you finally replied with something else other than “fuck you” where you said you were acting on behalf of someone else, but in the end, even that exchange was surreal; it was a bit like talking to the smile without the Cheshire cat, or, in your case, the Cheshire cat’s asshole, without the cat.

I capitulate. I accept you.

I don’t have any advice for you, my troll, because I know that suggesting you learn how to play an instrument instead of stalking, or save up for additional sessions with your psychiatrist is pointless. And, after two-and-a-half years, you must consider the two of us to be an item, even though your identity (although not your ISP) remains anonymous (I’m lazy) which makes our relationship a little one-sided. But I think you should think about taking a week off in December. As you may already know from your research I have December the 20th and forth, off, and I think it would be great if we could go on vacation together. I love Cuba, and if you haven’t been, Havana is really quite something. Don’t worry about bringing your camera – I’ll have mine with me. (You can just comment underneath the pictures once I post them later online.) Send me an email. You have my address.